I’ve been doing my best to educate myself on the various privileges I hold. So far I’ve come up with white, cis-gendered, able-bodied, tall, and… Pretty Privilege. That’s right. I’ve been looking into what it means to have doors open for me throughout my life because of my looks.
It’s hard to examine these things. I mean, I used to hold tight to my victim status as a woman. I’ve been raped, physically abused, sexually molested… doesn’t that count? Well, yes, and… I still have these other advantages. So the last few years I’ve been getting schooled on social media and learning about these things…
Thing is, it’s not a black and white issue sometimes. Some of the privileges can also be painful. They can be confusing.
Today I’m exploring the realization and acceptance of being a sensual sexy lady.
It’s hard to say that as I don’t want to come off as conceited. In fact, I know I have visual imperfections.
AND even so…
There’s no denying I’m sexy. I’ve gotten that reflection over and over during my life. From friends, strangers, lovers, and all genders. The other day I was enjoying some free time with my gong and some new friends at the Third Eye Meditation Lounge, where I do my Monday Sound Healing nights, and where my gong is currently living. I was feeling nice and juiced up after going to ecstatic dance. I headed over to ground out and met a sweet beautiful woman there, we hung out for a while with the owner.
Our conversation somehow quickly got into a space where she flat out told me that I have “strong sensual energy oozing out of me.” At first I resisted this, but as she talked more, and I took down my defenses, I realized the truth. She told me that a trusted counselor told her the same thing and that she needed to just accept it. Not to try to change it, because it just wasn’t possible.
Well, this was the first time I even considered it this way. It was almost as if it was an orientation or something. “Sexy/Sensual Woman” orientation. She said it just is what it is, nothing to be ashamed of, and that my life would be easier if I just learned to be honest with myself about it and live accordingly.
I thought back to all the times I’ve been misunderstood and started to tear up, realizing the truth of it. From the rapist who saw me in my car on the highway and followed me home to rape me, to the time that famous musician/healer did a reiki and didge healing session on me and went on and on about my sexual energy and power (before he touched me inappropriately), to all the men who’s main aim with me was to bed me, to the guys who thought my sensual dance was an invitation, to the men who were afraid of me and said my gaze is like a huntress. How much pain had I experienced from just simply being myself?
It is quite validating and empowering to just consider accepting my own powerful sensual nature as a fact and to consider starting to work WITH it consciously instead of pretending it’s not there, suppressing it or letting it cause havoc.
So much of my life I’ve shamed my own supremely sensual nature because of all the trouble it’s caused. In that repression and shaming, I’ve wasted years of pleasure and relationship success because I never learned how to navigate these strong waters. How to transparently communicate my truth and feel safe doing it.
Because what I’ve felt and hurt from, is everyone’s projections about what my sexy nature means. The stories run the gamut… From women, it’s often jealousy which prevents us from being close. I have been single most of my life and have had many women in couples act super jealous when I’m around and keep themselves and their man from being my friend.
From men, it’s so many misunderstandings just because of my looks and vibe. Some men just simply have a primal reaction of wanting to fuck me and since they are feeling sexual and I’m looking sexy, they assume I’m DTF. Then they make it their mission to bed me, rather than get to know the deeper me.
Other men assume I’d never be interested in them. They shy away, and then to show interest, I end up putting on a forward front to give them the GIANT green light for them to pursue. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I’m graceful and sometimes I fumble around and scare them away.
The sensitive and/or avoidant attatcher ones take my interest as a threat to their sovereignty. Since I’m naturally very sensual and adoring, they make up all kinds of stories about how I’m going to be clingy, or try to get them hooked right away into a relationship. If they took a moment to get to know me, they’d realize I just have a super loving nature with people. Men, women and in between, kids, etc.
I just enjoy getting to know people and don’t have an attachment to a certain outcome. I’ve had many wonderful friendships that started out with attraction on one or both of our sides.
The problem is, often people make snap judgments and won’t allow for getting to know me deeper. So it feels like half the time I’m just doing damage control trying to prove myself worthy and help them let go of their initial judgments. Like, oh she’s sexy so she’s DTF, a bitch, trying to get me in bed, trying to hook me… hungry huntress, wild Kali Ma… I’ve heard and felt it all.
I think part of it is also that I don’t have as much facade as is deemed appropriate in life. I’m real and raw. I’ve seen lots of shit in my life and been through lots of trauma, so I generally have no tolerance for fakeness and putting on a mask.
The whole coy woman dropping the handkerchief green lights thing doesn’t work for me. I’m finally admitting it. The guys who catch the signal and come after me are often bold womanizing players. Others don’t believe I’d be interested so they don’t make any moves, forcing me into the more masculine role to show my interest by being more forward.
So instead of shaming and shifting, to accommodate people’s projections and try to prove myself true and worthy, I’m learning how to just communicate transparently.
Because hints don’t work when people make assumptions based on how you look or your sexy vibe. You have to be ultra-clear.
So without shame, I can be true to my sensual nature, and protect it and my own boundaries by opening my mouth and speaking my truth. Rather than hiding and hoping, living in my own fantasy world.
Here are some phrases I’m going to start practicing saying in my relating with others:
- You’re a really sweet woman. I’d love to get to know you better. I hope you know I’m not at all interested in your boyfriend/husband. I just want to get that out of the way so we can relate without any weirdness.
- I love dancing sexy. It feels good in my body and helps me work out my kinks from sitting at a desk all day. I’m just dancing for myself right now.
- I would love to hang out / make music / dance / have tea, etc. You’re awesome and I’d love to get to know you as a friend, not a romantic potential.
- I would love to hang out / make music / dance / have tea, etc. You’re awesome and I’d love to get to know better. I’m not sure where it would go. We might end up being friends or something more. I’m not attached to the outcome.
- I’d really love to dance/cuddle/massage with you. No strings, just dance/cuddle/massage. No really, I’m not trying to get sexual with you. I may be feeling my own sexiness but that’s it.
- Mmmm…. this is so fun. I’m feeling really sensual. Do you ever feel sexy but have no intention to act on it with someone? That’s where I’m at right now. I’m just enjoying feeling my own yummy juciness.
- Wow! I’m getting really turned on! It could be nice to cuddle/kiss. That would feel so good. I’m clear that’s as far as I’m willing to go tonight.
- Hey, you’re really sweet and cute. I’d like to get to know you better. My schedule is pretty tight with parenting commitments. Would you like to schedule a time to hang out?
- I’m really enjoying getting to know you on our dates. To be ultra-clear, I’m a super affectionate person. It’s fun learning about someone. I love to appreciate all the little things about you. You might say I enjoy adoring my peeps. Please don’t think I’m all trying to move in together or put a ring on it right away. I just really enjoy being present and enjoying life when I go out with people. I am open to a relationship developing but the most important thing is to just have fun and relish in the mystery. If my affection makes you uncomfortable, please let me know and I can adjust so you’re more comfortable. Or maybe even it’s possible it won’t be a good fit for us to hang out romantically then.
- What are you looking for in your dating life currently?
- I’m enjoying dating right now without agenda. I would love to have a long term relationship develop when it feels right. Currently, I am being present with the wonderful people I’m meeting and dating in the moment.
This feels like a good start. I’m combining these with my own mirror affirmations. I think self-love mirror affirmations, looking myself in the eye will help with this total acceptance of my own womanly juiciness. Then I can be straight-up easier with others as I’m more straight up with myself.
Some self mirror affirmations:
- Hey there sexy lady!
- My love is so good.
- I enjoy my sensuality in its own right.
- My desires are healthy.
- I love myself.
- I trust myself.
- I’m so easy to love.
- I know how to communicate my wants and needs.
- I know what I desire.
- I trust my man to care to give me what I want as best as he can.
- My authentic sexuality empowers me.
- My authentic sexuality blesses others.
- It’s safe to share my truth.
Because in all truth, sensuality and sexuality ARE powerful.
I’ve felt it before. Sometimes it’s so powerful that it’s scary. In moments of deep passionate music sharing and lovemaking, I can feel the power I have. It’s sensual, it’s sexual. I’m feeling so much emotionally. So much longing for God and love, my lover, and my own expression.
The Sufis lived for the longing. They believed the longing IS the presence… It IS the connection to God. Well, I’m not going to shame my desire and longing anymore. It’s potent. It’s powerful.
In Kundalini Yoga and many other yogic and spiritual paths, we learn about the power center below the belly button. Call it the hara, the navel point, or the sacral chakra. Whatever you call it, there is an energy generator there. It’s part of our animal nature that keeps us tied to the earth. I can feel that power churning when I’m doing creative pursuits like music, art, dance, and yes, lovemaking. I felt it when I had an all-natural birth. I feel it when I give healing energy sessions.
We are here on this EARTH to feel these lower chakras. YES, we need to balance them. We need to cultivate the spiritual connection to have the higher wisdom. Most of all we need to cultivate our heart.
The heart chakra sits in the middle of the 7. The top three are the branches and the leaves of the tree that reach towards heaven and God. The bottom 3 root us into the earth and our mother.
The heart… it’s our “compassion cockpit.” It’s where we navigate all the worlds. It’s the eye inside the hurricane. The neutral mind between the negative and positive. Let’s get in our hearts and listen from there.
Judgement and projections come from the head… Spiritual ideals can go into gear-shifting heady disembodied spirituality and dart throwing when not directed by the heart. Lower chakras can get tangled in primal lust that bulldozes beyond our better judgment.
Be the whole tree. Stand strong in unity. In your truth. See the we between the you and the me.
Also, we have to wield our sexual power wisely.
Women, we must not use our power for selfish reasons, manipulate and play on men’s lower desires… Men want to serve us. We have to appreciate them as much as we appreciate our pussy power. And men, please appreciate our heart along with all our other parts. We’ve been sexualized and objectified for far too long now. We really all want to serve each other at our core. Let’s all find and feel our worth and our truth so we can be honest with ourselves and each other. Ask for what we want and let go of the games and the masks. Be vulnerable and be true.
I invite you to instead of judging and projecting, to sloooowwwwww down. Get the know the real me and the real truth of others. Don’t assume you know someone else’s experience or what they’ve endured to make them who they are today. Yes, that is their story, but our stories are also sacred. In accepting our past, we can accept our present. In accepting who we are and who we’ve become with reverence for where we’ve been, we can shine forward our wisdom we’ve collected, as we’ve been polishing our mirrors.
Take a long slow deep breath. Look into each other’s eyes, get into your heart, soften, and see the depth of the person in front of you.
I have a very busy life with solo parenting and work. I don’t have time to play games. Let’s be real. Let’s enjoy life and appreciate the amazing people we get to spend time with. No time like the present to feel your feelings and engage with the world and people around you. And talk it out. Speak your truth.
The world needs the real you and the real me in all our power and glory.
Be True. Be You.
Thank you for reading. For feeling and seeing the real me. I delight in your feedback and comments. Tell me how this resonates in your life. Tell me if it triggers you and how. Let’s learn more together!