All this #MeToo and #ItWasMe along with reflections from some guys I’m currently dating really has my head and heart spinning.
I’m distracting myself from work right now because of being triggered and also looking deep into myself. So here goes my super quick unrestricted flow/journaling of what I’m seeing inside me. May it serve you somehow as well. <3
As a woman who’s suffered from a violent stranger rape, story here, as well as numerous smaller assaults and some family incest, I’m no stranger to #MeToo. Part of my work as a woman lately has been to learn to see the bigger picture and focus on the end result of what I’m wanting to cultivate in my life. Then I try to reverse engineer the steps to get there.
Here’s how that looks for me currently. I’m not in the amazing LTR I’ve been dreaming of for years. I’m still very much the single girl, who in the past has attracted unavailable men and also just gone with the flow to accept scraps and not stand up for my needs.
What I’ve seen happen in me is sometimes to have a slight non-consensual energy myself in an attempt to convince someone of my worthiness and desirability as a partner/lover. This is more from my past than currently, but there are still hints of it on a subtle energetic level now. I’m sorry if that sounds vague to you. I’m not raping or anything, just sometimes having a certain agressive energy. Read on…
You see, as a highly victimized woman, I’ve shamed my sexuality. It’s what has given me the most trouble. My beauty, my gender, my creative erotic energy. I shamed the little girl who tried to stand up for her family members and then was allowed to be alone with the perpetrator. I shamed the voice that told on him but then was molested for the first time after trying to be a strong 4-year-old. I’ve shamed my looks that attracted the rapist to follow me home after work one day and then break into my home and rape me a week or so later. I’ve shamed my curves that draw men to me whenever I go out and show my hips in public. It’s just easier to shame that shit than to do the long work of separating out what is mine and what doesn’t belong to me, especially being I’m such a sensitive empathic person. (And it’s a lot of work to do something about it.)
Then add to all that the fact that my dad cheated on my mom incessantly throughout the marriage, even bringing home STDs from his girlfriends and me sometimes meeting them. Plus, the nasty divorce that followed with my mom bringing us clothes to inspect for makeup and perfume and the like, witnessing her irate accusations and his checked out avoidant dismissal…. You can see where I’d just make a case for dropping the whole idea of partnership.
At one point in my healing process, I realized I attracted the type of guys who weren’t fully available and wanted me on the side along with their other lovers because I would rather be the “mistress” than the “wife.” The wife got all the misery, the mistress had all the fun. Who the hell wants to be a trampled on servant wife?
I listened to the ego voices in my head that say “you shouldn’t want that.” “Just live your life and be good and stop desiring anything.” “Desire is not spiritual.” “Desire and sexuality are the root of your troubles, just let it go.” “You’re too damaged to be a good partner, just give up.”
So with all those voices, I have voyaged out into the world of dating, not believing in my own worth, and accepting scraps from unavailable men.
Then when there’s one I really want, a sweet, sensitive guy, I scare him off.
How do I do it?
I’m still trying to make sense of this part, again, trying to separate what’s mine and what’s his. Here’s where I am so far:
MINE – Level 1
- Thinking I’m not marriage material, so I attract emotionally unavailable men.
- Doubting the validity of marriage at all after seeing what my parents went through.
- Seeing the reactions of men and women when I’ve told them of my traumas, how they couldn’t handle it. Then deciding it’s just too much to ask anyone to hold with me.
MINE – Level 2
- Getting so excited about a guy and reaching out too much or too often.
- Not reading his energetic queues and pacing.
- Feeling his energetic queues and pacing but pushing through my intuitive hit, doubting my own inner knowing, then needing to ask him and push him by confirming my intuition. This one is tricky. While I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being somewhat forward or speaking my truth or getting clarity, it can sabotage a nice thing that’s getting going. I’m establishing trust and connection with someone. We’re feeling really resonant on an energetic level. Then I ignore clear signs that can inform my actions about where the other person is at, and then I just send that one more message, make that one more suggestion, flirt that one more time, share my excitement in some innocent way one more time, pushing past his comfort level and pace.
MINE – Level 3
- Continuing the narrative from the last bullet point… Then I do things when in person with the person that press past the energetic, on occasion even named, boundaries. Dress provocatively, touch his chest while talking to him, get up in his physical space because I’m attracted and want to be closer. I would see these actions as simply me being excited. I felt innocent but wasn’t considering the guy’s pace. My excitement wanted him to see my truth, trust me, and follow my pace all at once without giving a chance to prove myself. Not considering that men are just as wounded as women are, often in complementary ways, if that makes sense.
- In relationship, I can overreact when men fall short in the ways many men do in our culture. Instead of holding space for education and growth, in the past I would just get mad and cut off any option for repair.
- On the other hand, sometimes in relationship I would be so fearful of rejection that I’d be that cool girl in the flow, always going with his needs and what he wanted, so he wouldn’t leave. Again, not allowing for my own powerful desires, but subjugating myself to his needs and giving him all the power. How could he know how to please me in this instance? I now realize that men live to please their women! And if he doesn’t want to meet my needs, then it’s not the right person, and in fact, is keeping me from the right person.
That’s as far as I’ve gotten on my levels of perpetration. I know it’s not a huge deal, but it’s an awakening for me to really look at it. Again, if I look at the end result of what I want, how can I best support getting this? How can I best show my care for this person and their needs? How can I put them at ease to really see the true me? While I’ve been healing these ways for a while, I’m not totally out of the water here. There’s still more work to do, and I’m loving this process.
BIG REALIZATION About My Levels of Perpetration
If I don’t shame my own desires, then I can enjoy them for their pure innocence and beauty. Sex is an incredible, beautiful expression of our aliveness. Partnership is a wonderful way to move through life together. It’s ok to want these things! I’ve been reading the Radiance Sutras and they are really helping me to see this. If I want someone, they are inspiring that desire, but it doesn’t need to rely on any action from their part to validate this desire in me. I can feel my desire, and enjoy it for it’s own sake. I can own it, and feel the source is deep within me, reflected in this inspiring human in front of me.
Then I don’t need them to do anything. I can just allow them to be where they are at. I can allow our conversations to be honest, transparent, and the energy soft and inviting, rather than fearful, clingy or aggressive. They can relax into the situation at their pace and I can relax and enjoy my own delicious desires, sexual, romantic, partnership, all that. It’s ok to want these things. It’s a beautiful part of my being as a human. We all want these things. When I’m clear about what I want, I can express clearly with no attachment, no hooks. And I don’t need to play games or give too many hints.
Here are some things that I come up against that I need to speak to just to reassure myself that some things I can just drop because they are not mine. Alternatively, sometimes I don’t want to drop them, but realize that I can see these things with compassion and do my best to not take it personally, while at the same time do what needs to be done to work with men’s issues. I sure as heck hope to be in a relationship someday with a guy who can deal with my wounding. I might as well learn to deal with his too, right? Again, what is the end result I want?
#notallmen but some…
- All the societal training of men to objectify women.
- The rape and abuse of women by men for centuries.
- Men often have great trust issues of the feminine.
- Men can carry pretty big mother wounds
- Men sexualizing or personalizing my dance expression, as if it’s a sexual invitation to them. (either a wanted invitation or an unwanted one.)
- Men can be wounded from insensitive, possessive, jealous, callous bitches who are wounded. I cried about this one last night in the tub in a blessed release that had been welling up for some while. I cried for all the wounding that men have received from past girlfriends (while I’ve been single all these years). I cried thinking, “that could have been me instead of her. I would have treated you better!” Then they come to me with their battle scars and I help them pick up the pieces and learn to trust again. Of course, I am hoping for the same careful treatment from men. I don’t believe anyone will ever be perfectly whole in their own right before coming to relationship, especially in our current society. Relationship is where we do the deepest work of healing, along with celebrating this beautiful life we’ve been gifted together. I just end up meeting and attracting lots of guys on the rebound. I guess there’s some level of a sacred sexual healer in me that guys sense. It’s my love of caretaking, my love of men and my own emotional, sexual response.
- Men have often cut off their own emotional response because of mother wounds, circumcision, societal programming, porn, etc. So they can sometimes gaslight us women in response to our emotions. Thus setting up a scenario where women are vilified as “the crazy ex-girlfriend” and “overly emotional.” Some men even need women to help them process their own supressed emotions, setting up an unhealthy dynamic in relationships where men don’t take responsibility for their actions and it’s all the emotional woman’s fault for overreacting.
- My being honest will inevitably upset some men. Some men will feel threatened by my own sexual empowerment or ambition in life and love. Many men are not ready to feel a woman’s full-fledged adoration and desire. For them, they equate it coming with too high of a price. (control, manipulation, etc.) They find my honesty, even my gaze unnerving. I’ve had men say the look in my eyes is like a huntress, going after her prey. I think it’s just my lack of facade. The fact that I’ve faced some pretty extreme traumas and lived through them so I just have “less fucks to give” about life and live it according to my truth. (of course, this is a fine line and can be stepped over if I bulldoze through their signals and scare them away.)
I’m sorry to all of you guys who have felt my pushing and pulling, my doubt, my pushing past your energetic and sometimes verbal boundaries. My fixation with my own needs for romantic emotional expression, sexual satisfaction, validation…
I’m sorry I sometimes fumble. I’m sorry I get shy and vacillate between hiding and never landing on the ground like a little girl, and then unleashing my powerful desire before it’s invited. I know it must be confusing! It’s confusing to me too!
I feel myself turning on and off my sexual switch and swaying back and forth between a pure spiritual childlike giddy social butterfly and diving into your masculine gaze and embrace with my own strong feminine shakti and deep wild woman desire. I want it so bad though. It feels as good as sunset sungazing to drink in the soul nectar, look deep into the eyes of my beloved and be seen that deeply in return. I guess I’m still finding my own safe ground and footing.
It’s like I want you to see me so bad and then I hide and am nervous to really be seen that deeply. I’m afraid to dive in and get lost. Afraid to get lost and disempowered like my mom and countless generations of women before her.
I ask you to have patience with my progress and see what you can do to help me feel safe and welcome. I offer the same for you.
TO BE CONTINUED
So my work here is to see and love all my parts, the awakened ones, the shadow ones, and the unique ones (like my own piercing gaze, which I started to vilify after hearing feedback from a couple of dudes about it.) Next, I have to own up to my desires and what I want. Then I can communicate verbally and energetically from a clear and clean place without attachment. I can enjoy this living of life and wanting things here on this earthly realm without deeming it unspiritual, without needing someone to match my exact desires.
Then when someone is a good match, they will feel free in my presence to be themselves too. With my full allowing of my desires and my transparency, they can allow for theirs. They can put down their swords and armor as I lay mine down. We can relax into each other’s presence and just trust and flow. Our verbal, physical and energetic communication becomes a joyful play of curious discovery, rather than a long laundry list of triggers and processing.
I’m not 100% there yet but I’m making great headway. I’m so grateful to the sensitive men who I’ve attracted into my life lately, who are helping me see clearly. They are helping me show up in a way to honor my own desires and sensitivity as well as theirs at the same time. They are helping me pave the way for them to feel invited to show up fully and honest about where they are at.
This feels good. And raw. And exquisitely sexy. And ultimately, right.
Thanks for reading. May something in this soulful expression strike a chord that resonates in your heart and provides some kind of recognition and healing balm.